Home September 2013 Jewish King

Jewish King

Rumor had it that England’s most famous baby, Prince George, was set to get the snip by the mohel to the royals.
Though news of a princely brit turned out to be bunk, the very idea got me wondering what it would be like if Israel had a royal family.  True, Israel already has a figurehead-of-state in its president, but a British-style monarchy would be amazing.
I’m not the first person to suggest that Israel needs a royal family.  Our ancestors got Saul, David and Solomon after making a similar realization.  But that was, like, a long time ago.  And unlike ancient petitioners, I’m not calling for a royal family to rule our disjointed people (as if that could be done).  I think Israeli royalty could follow the current British model and exert its clout culturally, not politically.
A modern Israeli royal family would be uniquely poised to capitalize on the 24/7 Twitterific world we now inhabit.  If English speakers worldwide get giddy every time a noble Brit wears a tiny hat, picture how enthralled people would be by the fashions, customs and lifestyles of a descendent of David.
This could be a PR boon for Israel.  Can you imagine what it would be like if journalists descended upon the Holy Land to cover a wedding or a Bar Mitzvah or, really, anything other than settlements and katyusha rockets?
Instead of AP news reports that find 100 innovative ways to say “Israel, bad” every day, dispatches from Jerusalem could read like US Weekly updates of celebs we love:
“Fresh from her goodwill tour to Sierra Leone, Princess Avital of Israel visited a hospital in Bangladesh, where she distributed humanitarian packets of hummus and cucumbers to sick children.”
“Tongues are wagging after Prince Maoz was spotted dancing with a fellow med student at a club in Tel Aviv.  Could love be in the air for the young heir?”
“Confirmation by Israeli King Oded that he carries no fewer than three cell phones with him at any given time has sparked a global run on mobile phones!  When asked why one phone isn’t enough, King Oded clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, raised his eyebrows and shrugged.”
I doubt a royal family could bring peace to the region, but it might take the air right out of a terrorist’s plot if global media were more interested in crown jewels than in jihad.
I’m sure by this point that I have you completely convinced, so now let’s choose a monarch.  In a country not known for shy inhabitants, it would still take an inordinate amount of chutzpah for an Israeli family to declare, “Build us a castle and put us on your money!”
So maybe it shouldn’t be an Israeli family.  Maybe it should be an American Jewish one.
American Jews are already pretty expert at telling Israelis how to run a country in which they themselves don’t live.  And if you’re looking for a bossy American groomed from birth to think of herself as a Jewish princess, you found her.
I could definitely do nothing all day.  It would be a sacrifice, sure, but one I’d be willing to make for my loyal subjects.  So, Israel, I’m awaiting my palace, my bespoke wardrobe and my invitation.
Long live the Queen!

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