Therapy Can Improve Communication
Gone are the days of finding your life partner through friends, family, at work or through random meetings. These days we connect with each other virtually.
We rely on Facebook groups for events; we turn to Instagram and other social media for support and education. The invention of social media and the internet was groundbreaking; we all flocked to MySpace and Facebook to connect with long lost friends, but for some it has also taken over our lives and become an unhealthy habit.
Do you remember how nice the ’80s and ’90s were? No cellphones, no social media, no internet. Our faces weren’t buried in smartphones or getting constant notifications that demanded our attention and response.
Back then, people forged friendships and romantic connections through a more natural means: socializing in person, school, work, parties or events, and often through mutual acquaintances. There was a sense of interdependence, where having a partner or a friend group was essential to our everyday life. How simple but rich and more fulfilling life seemed back then.
The more we have become connected virtually, the more we find ourselves completely alone. Social media, internet and virtual meetings have replaced our need, desire and social skills to seek out in-person relationships and activities. Human beings need face-to-face interaction, and so many studies show that people are depressed now more than ever because we have become used to a virtual life.
It’s not surprising, then, that a lot of people also get their advice from social media, which is often biased and coming from a place of click bait, sales pitches and random “experts” who have no business giving life advice. People want to talk about issues in their relationships, but they don’t always know where to turn, so they turn to the one place we know well—social media, the internet and now artificial intelligence.
There’s still a stigma around traditional therapy as if it’s admitting you failed on your own and need a stranger to fix your relationship. It’s a lot safer and less embarrassing to look up advice from an AI bot than to go see a real person. Think about what kind of advice you’re actually getting and who is it coming from.
It is anything but failure to go to a professional or to confide in friends and family for support. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that the moment you and your partner start having issues should you run to your friends or look for a mental health professional, not at all.
Working on a relationship and communicating properly is the first step in understanding why there are issues in the first place. Without proper communication, done at the right time (and not when you’re both about to fall asleep or the kids need dinner and you’re rushing around), there is no relationship.
This goes for any relationship, whether romantic, platonic or professional. Seeking a therapist is wise, but unfortunately most couples go way too late or to the wrong therapist. Over the years in my practice and in my own 28-year marriage, I learned that most issues are resolved by sticking to these four things:
1. Set time aside to speak about what’s on your mind. Don’t do it as you’re about to leave for work and just can’t hold it in so you unleash a fury and storm out. Your partner will be going over it in their head all day long, which I guarantee will not turn out too well for you.
2. Shut off phones, computers, televisions and any other distractions prior to having important conversations. No, don’t just put your phone on do-not-disturb, turn it off!
3. Always start with: I want to understand (why you are upset with me, why we are not happy right now, etc.)
4. This is the most important part: Listen actively and allow your partner to finish their sentences and thought process. We often do not fully listen before responding. That is where the breakdown happens.
Should you decide to seek the help of a professional, my advice is to interview multiple ones prior to committing. Not all therapists are created equal. You would be surprised to know that half of my matchmaking and coaching clients over the years have been psychologists.
This might be a controversial statement, but I found that most of them go into the field of mental health in order to understand their own issues and to fix whatever trauma they have dealt with in their childhood, past or present.
You might ask why is that a bad thing?
The idea of wanting to better yourself and learn skills in mediation, behavioral health and how to help others is invaluable. However, we are all human and as humans we bring our own biases, triggers and traumas to everything we do. Make sure your therapist has done a good job in healing themselves (although we are never fully healed), understanding boundaries and being able to be impartial. Unfortunately, the latter is an issue that a lot of therapists struggle with.
My advice when dealing with people in your life is to always put yourself in their shoes; we never truly know what people are going through and what it’s doing to their mental health and clarity. Be patient and kind and it is only then you can start to work on your relationship.
Julia Bendis is a contributing writer to Jlife Magazine. She is an author, relationship educator, comedian and show producer. For all information and links visit: Linktree.com/juliabendis