One day, I’m going to be a huge star. I can sing, I can act, I can dance. I’m very good looking. In short, my success is inevitable.
Yesterday, though, I was having a conversation at work with one of the other parking valets. He said that all the big Jewish stars are Democrats, and if I’m ever going to be famous, I should become one, too.
With election day approaching, I’m concerned. To be honest, I can’t even name my Congressperson, and apparently I have a state Representative, too (who knew!?). Do I have to learn about all this stuff in order to land my dream role as Han and Leia’s love child in the upcoming Disney Star Wars trilogy?
— The Next Jake Gyllenhaal
Dear… wait a minute—Jake Gyllenhaal is Jewish!?
Anyway, your colleague has a point. Although they’ve made a fortune, the Jewish celeberatti—your Barbras, your Billy Crystals, and so forth—tend to skew blue. This is an important phenomenon, because many people look to Hollywood for role models. And why shouldn’t they? Where are we to find a deeper wellspring of sophisticated political analysis than the industry that brought us “The Hangover 3”?
And it’s not just stars. Successful Jews lean surprisingly leftward, leading the rest of the American elite to regard them with confusion. The descendants of other newcomers to this nation, as they rose into the ranks of the middle class and beyond, readily abandoned their quaint concern for the poor, the aged, and the infirm. They are shocked that a Tribe blessed with so many accountants still fails to see the logic behind a zero percent capital gains tax rate.
Jewish Republicans are equally mystified; it’s all they talk about when two or more of them are together (which isn’t often, due to the liberal bias of statistical probabilities). They’ve worked so hard to turn support for Israel into a partisan issue, and yet their coreligionists continue to vote Dem at a margin of more than two-to-one. Where’s the sense in that? Do these people actually believe that you can be pro-labor and Zionist at the same time? Surely Ben Gurion is spinning in his grave!
It can be tricky for Jewish Democrats to defend their position. Republicans are always reminding them of the time that Obama didn’t invite Bibi to dinner. What’s the point of voting Israel’s way at the UN and providing historic levels of security assistance if you’re just going to be rude about it?
But don’t despair, Yankeleh. My Hollywood sources tell me you have a shot at the Star Wars gig, as long as you’re not hoping to play the decrepit and discredited old warlord, Darth Vader. That role demands a certain “Cheney-sais-quoi.”
— N. Troyer
N. Troyer is a registered member of the “A Pox on Both Their Houses” party. The author would remind you to vote, but believes strongly that if you have to be reminded, probably it’s better that you don’t.